This video is a monstrosity and is pure nightmare fuel, watch it.
You have so many questions to answer Australia.
Ok, let's start with the obvious. Kids skip school. I am a high school teacher and can pretty much say without a doubt that this is fairly far down the list of terrible things kids do.
I skipped school once in 8th grade. It was the first time I ever skipped, and I had convinced my friend Chris (at least, I think his name was Chris, he wasn't really my friend and I didn't particularly enjoy hanging out with him, but rather he was the only one in my clique who agreed to my idiotic plan) to go along with me.
It was a half day at school (I know, I was stupid, you did dumb stuff in 8th grade too) and we were going to hide out at the track, out of view of the school, until my mom left for work and then walk to my house. I lived about a block from the school. Presumably we were going to play video games and read comic books (no, I didn't have a girlfriend, why?).
The plan went awry fairly quickly. The bench we moved into the bushes to hide out at the track was drenched in the rain the night before. It was like sitting on a block of plywood that had been blasted by Dr. Nefario's freeze ray (#DadLife).
When we finally back to my house, it was pretty awesome (or as awesome it can be to skip middle school with someone you didn't really like or have anything in common with) until my grandma came over to give my dog some medicine. She took us back to school and we were both largely humiliated by the rest of the student body who had known, and previously openly mocked, our own personal Watergate-like master plan. I was also grounded for the duration of that semester.
Again, I'd like to reinforce that I got caught skipping by my grandma during a time of life when you are defined by the uncool stuff that you do.
But I got off easier than these kids.
Now, lets break this video down because I haven't forgotten about you Australia.
(Time stamps on the left if you'd like to follow along)
0:02: Starts off fairly innocently, "Hey lets sneak out the window and jump this fence or whatever!" Somehow this is still more fundamentally sound than my plan. God I was a stupid little kid.
0:03: Trucker hat, sleeveless tee, annoying sunglasses and big curly surfer hair. My grandfather hates this kid.
0:04: Haha, nerds! (But nerds who won't die because they went to school that day, take that fun-loving, life experiencing youth of Australia.)
0:13: This guy died and it's sad, sure, but someone will take his place as being the annoying guy at college parties who brings his guitar for no discernible reason. There are enough of him. Maybe this was natural selection?
0:18: I don't have a problem with throwing the map out the window for navigational purposes (do you not have cell phones Australia? Do you send text messages on notepads that Tazmanian Devils deliver to one another?) that's just littering though. Not cool.
0:21: Ok, this is where my questions really start, Australia. Is going to beaches through holes in chain link fences a really common thing that you're doing? Why are all of your beaches chained off? Are you breeding a race of murderous, ravenous Kangaroos to enslave the human race while training them on your top-secret beaches?
0:24: This song sucks. It's like Dave Matthews and Jack Johnson got together to somehow find a way to piss me off even more.
0:29: Sand slide!!!!
Who does this? There's sand in the cooler now, in his shorts, just...what the hell?
0:37: Did this become a Corona commercial for a second? Because Corona's commercials would be way better if they ended like this one.
0:44: Now it's a Nicholas Sparks movie and the above comment is still relevant.
0:47: I am so confused by this point. What is wrong with your young people Australia and where are all the Kangaroos!?
0:54: Abercrombie is totes confused.
0:55: OMG THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!!!
0:57: HAHAHAHA NOT IN AUSTRALIA SLACKERS *DEAD*
0:58: At least that song stopped playing.
0:59: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *TORSO EXPLODES*
Next question, Australia: These kids have been playing on this beach for what is presumably a fairly significant amount of time and they are just now entering whatever IED LANDMINE HELLHOLE you've laid out for them?
Do you have the shittiest landmines ever Australia? Is this a thinly veiled PSA about how awful your army is?
1:04: Great idea, run through the DEATHSCAPE that you've just watched your friends die a brutally gruesome death in. I can now see your point on why these kids should have stayed in school Australia.
1:06: "YOU'RE SLOWING ME DOWN"
Does this moron think the landmines are chasing him or....MURDEROUS KANGAROOS ARE CHASING THEM OFF SCREEN AND OH MY GOD THIS IS STARTING TO MAKE SENSE NOW.
1:08: This is the face of someone who wishes they would have went to geometry that day.
1:09: IF YOU SKIP SCHOOL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WILL DIE AND THEIR INSIDES WILL EXPLODE ALL OVER YOU SO STAY IN SCHOOL KIDS!
1:29: Now, finally, here's where this PSA/continent of Australia really steps up the insanity.
What in the blue hell is going on in your little prison colony of a continent Australia?
1 - Why wasn't this EXPLOSIVES TESTING SITE more clearly marked? I feel like these types of places should be REALLY CLEARLY MARKED. Ya'know with more than a 3x3 foot sign on a MASSIVE fence.
2 - Was anyone thinking to themselves, "Hey, maybe we should fix that hole in the fence of our EXPLOSIVES TESTING SITE?"
3 - Whose job is it to guard this place? Really feels like they're dropping the ball letting teenagers drive right up and walk in.
4 - There are very clear explosions going off in the background of this picture. Did the kids not see these horrific mushroom clouds? Or did they see them and were just like, "Nah, that's probably just some radical BBQ action." ( I really wanted to shoehorn a Guy Fieri joke in here but just couldn't figure out how.)
5 - I just realized this, DOES AUSTRALIA EVEN HAVE AN ARMY!?!?
6 - If Australia doesn't have an army (I'm assuming they don't), who is testing these explosives!?
This is the only explanation.
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